Told You

Now I'm not saying that I don't do cocaine (watch out for that double negative), but I did tell you that I won't be charged with cocaine posession.

Suckas! My good luck just keeps coming.

12 Steps of Lindsay Lohan #1

Here in Utah I'm going through this 12 step program in Utah. I'm not exactly sure how this works, but they seem to want us to think and talk about ourselves. They said that it helps if you keep a journal so I figured since I'm an enourmous superstar I should keep my journal online for everyone to see.

I'm going to start with step 1 and see how it goes.

Step #1 is to admit that we are powerless over drugs and alcohol.

I sort of see what they are saying, but come on, powerless?? I mean, I buy the alcohol or at least have someone buy it for me. And I open the bottle. The alcohol is basically trapped in a prison until I let it out. Doesn't make much sense does it?

The drugs are a different story. I would definitely say that the drug dealers control the drugs. If you've ever been in the situation where your dealer won't return your phone calls you know exactly what I'm talking about. But I'm Lindsay Lohan - I don't have that problem anymore. I put my dealer on payroll as a hair and make up artist and I've never felt better.

So actually I control the drugs and alcohol and not just for me, but for my entourage too.

They are Finally Divorced

Thank God.

Believe it or not, when you Google my name a story about my parents getting a divorce came up on the first page. Talk about leeching of your kid. When people search for Lindsay Lohan they want me, the actual me. Not some old wrinkled version, or the coked out guy version of me. If they wanted to see that the would search for Lindsay Lohans parents.

So now that the divorce is final it should stop becoming news. There are so many people that I would like to thank.

1. Nancy Meyers (director of the Parent Trap) without the money that I made off this movie my father may have just gone to jail for securities fraud and he may never have gotten his coke addiction.

2. Dr. Sanjay Fisher (My mother's plastic surgeon) could she honestly be hooking up with so many other men with a 45 year old's tits?

3. My younger sister Allie - you think I'm a spoiled brat.

4. ...and finally the mainstream media. For spending so much time covering me instead of the wars going on and the erosion of our civil liberties. I mean if my parents problems were no blown out of proportion everyday on TV they may have actually worked it out or separated quietly. Both of those options would be completely horrible for my career,

Not All Fun and Games

Most sober people think that rehab would be a walk in the park, but it isn't. Sure I guess all you have to do is go for 30 days without drugs or alcohol, but there is so much more. Think of all the fun you have to miss.

For instance, yesterday I missed hanging out with Jenna Jamison and Paris - watch the video on TMZ. I mean you can tell they are acting weird and look how much they miss me. They are so nice to the paparazzi, why?

I would have come rolling out of that club and crashed into one or two of the photographers. Then as they are holding me up I would have started swearing and spitting. I mean that's just how its done. You have to let them snap a few pictures with your eyes half open.

Look at how calmly they walk to their cars. That is supposed to be an all out drunken sprint with at least 2 falls. You could tell they were really wasted though because they got in the back seat. Good Luck not getting pulled over when you are driving from way back there.

Worst of all - Jenna, your wearing underwear.

I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

Being the World's Biggest Star

Hey guys - sorry I couldn't post yesterday there was no news about me to comment on. Which brings me to a huge admission that I'm about to make.

I'm addicted and I finally can admit it. I'm addicted to being in the news and I NEED it EVERY DAY. A day like yesterday where the sun rises and sets and I don't get the cover of a magazine or written about on Perez Hilton absolutely drives me nuts.

Since I'm in rehab and they won't let me do drugs or have fun, I'm going to use the time positively. I'm going to make sure that in the future no day goes by without me making the news. I'm compiling a list of tactics to make sure that I m never ignored again.

If you want to email your suggestions, that's fine, but I don't really listen to normal boring people. I'm not ready to share the list, but I can tell you that it starts with "Hook up with Michael Jackson."

Do you think that will get me in the news?

Mormanism

The rumors are true that my rehab center is a Morman facility. Although I haven't converted yet I am seriously thinking about religion and the role that Mormanism could play in my life. It's kind of a misunderstood religion so I want to explain some things and I hope that you, my fans, will help me make this important decision.

Firstly, it's totally OK to wear your underwear outside of your shorts, so I will fit right in.

Mormans can have more than one wife. It kind of sucks for a girl, but then again everyone in Hollywood cheats anyway. With all the wives around if I'm feeling adventurous there is always the possibility of scissor-dancing. So as long as the other wives are hot, I'm OK with this.

There is also a slight chance that I can say that the DUIs and coke binges are a religious belief. If the judge will buy this then I get off all charges. The bible says that you can't not go to jail for religious beliefs.

Mormans can also do whatever they want in the entire state of Utah. That's a plus I guess, but then again it's Utah (and Vegas - but everyone can do whatever they want in Vegas, as long as your rich.) If I can talk the tribal leader into moving to California or even Arizona then it's a no brainer.

The biggest plus is that Mormans have 2 Christmases so that means twice as many presents. It also means twice as many Morman office Christmas parties where I can get drunk and bang whoever I want without consequences. The other Morman Christmas is in July so I have to wait a whole year.

Any advice??

Thanks for the Support

Your comments are really keeping me strong, please stop back and this site and keep supporting me.

Being the worlds biggest star is great for many reasons - I get free drugs and booze, people take my picture, I always look great and I can yell at anyone I want without consequences. But the best part is that sometimes I can shine my bright light on you, the fans - and maybe some of my hotness will rub off.

Here are some of the great things people wrote about me.

Jonny said - oh lindsay, you're so down to earth...i wish more girls were like you.

Thanks J, but if more girls were like me think of what would happen. Firstly, the price of drugs would go through the roof. Also, I've had some driving problems. Do we want more me's behind the wheel?

-lindsey lohan is still sexy... i'd tap that

That's what I like to hear!! My email is in the profile.

- i actually feel bad for you, being in rehab again and again and again, but seriously, SHAPE UP!

I appreciate the concern - I was hoping no body noticed that I gained a few pounds. Rehab isn't the place to lose weight, but as soon as I get out I'll get back on the amphetamines.

-I love you Lindsay! One good advice; don't get caught anymore! We all do the same shit you do but you just know how to do it like the rockstar that you are ;)

So true. The paparazzi are really the ones to blame. Think how much trouble you'd be in if everyone took your picture and told stories about you all the time. It's amazing that I am where I am.

I love you all and I'll be writing again soon.