Explaining the Cocaine

I'm sure by now you have heard of the huge misunderstanding that happened with my assistant and her mother Monday night. In time I will address many of the issues that have been reported incorrectly over the last few days - including the kidnapping (of me) and the black guy that was driving. Most importantly, though, since I have many young fans I want to talk about my alleged possession of cocaine.

Everyone reading this can understand that people make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes have a price that we can rationalize as a learning experience. However, in this instance I cannot forgive the cops who made a mistake when they charged me with possession of cocaine. I'm going to start this story at the beginning so you understand how this horrible misunderstanding came to be.

Day one of rehab they show you how to put on an ankle bracelet and tell you the rules about no drinking or having sex. It's kind of like an intro day, and next time I go back they said I can skip the first day. Day 2 is when the real healing begins. They show you how you can start to appreciate the simple joys of life without drugs and alcohol. We are supposed to focus on sunshine or butterflies or whatever.

Rehab really worked for me this time. When I was released I made it a point to see my friend Brittany and just have fun hanging out with her kids. She has gone through some hard times too. On my way over to see Brittany Sunday afternoon she called and asked me if I could pick up some baby laxative for one of her kids on the way to her place.

I don't have kids myself (that I know about haha) so I had no idea where to get baby laxative. I called my friend Christopher and he told me this shady guy named Chino would have some so I stopped by. Chino's house is the sketchiest place ever. He looked at me funny and handed me a little baggy that he said was baby laxative. He knew who I was so he gave it to me free and asked to party sometime - yeah right.

Neither me or Brittany new how to make the baby eat the laxative, I think she put in in his bottle and he totally freaked. Anyways, somehow the bag ended up in my jeans and this is what the cops found on Monday night. So as I said, total mistake on their part. The cocaine was really baby laxative. Johnny Depp knows what I'm talking about.

This charge will be dropped before I even go to court, and everyone involved will look like an idiot.