Why Don't People Believe in Lindsay Lohan?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am the worlds biggest star, do you really think that I could possibly go to jail.

Sure things looked bleak. I was arrested for DUI twice. I was arrested for cocaine possession twice. I tried to blame everything on a black kid after I drove drunk to a police station with booger sugar in my pocket. I got caught giving the arresting officer a handjob.

And things still turned out exactly how I said they would. As numerous sources are reporting very accurately I won't do any jail time. Well officially I have to serve one day, but that is just to show people that I can be normal. what is actually going to happen is that I will figure out a way to clone myself and then I'll have the clone serve the day in jail.

When she gets out of the slammer I will murder her and bury her in the backyard and I still won't get in trouble. You do the math.

2 DUIs + 2 Counts of Cocaine Possession + 1 Racial Accusation - 1 Dead Clone = 1 Day in Jail.

Everyone I'm having a serious party to celebrate, be in touch.